The BIG 20

Wow, I can't believe it has already been 20 months. It's hard to face the fact that you have been gone for 20 months. I was talking to a dear friend the other day that had lost his sister to cancer 10 years ago. He said it still seems like yesterday that it happened, and that she was still there. 20 months seems long enough, I can't imagine looking back 10 years from now, you would be(should be) 36. That's the age mom was when she had me. Would you also be having a baby? Would you have been married and having lots beautiful babies? Would you still be working at the Gas Company? I wonder what you would have been doing 10 years from now, but even more I wonder what you would be doing right now. Would we have gone to work out tonight, gone tanning together, or would we have skipped out and went and got ice cream instead? It's hard to say, but I do know things would be different if you were still here.

I broke down last night, I'm not sure why. I just felt sad, but more than sad, I felt angry. Mad, mad at you, mad at the world, mad at pain and sorrow, mad at LIFE. Mad that I lost my beautiful sister, mad that an innocent 4 year old is having to stay at Arkansas Chlildren's Hospital because she has cancer, mad because school is about to get the best of me, mad because I don't know if I will be a good teacher one day, mad because I can't work up the courage to go to the doctor, mad because I feel like I'm letting myself go, and mad because I was MAD. I hate being mad, and upset. I hate it for myself, and I hate it for others. And there's nothing worse then people asking you what's wrong, or telling you to cheer up. Do you tell them what's really on your mind, and scream at them, or do you just smile and say nothing, I'm fine. A part of me just want's to yell at the person, and say what do you thinks wrong? I lost my sister 20 months ago, that doesn't mean I should be over it, am I not allowed to be sad? But then you have to realize that not everyone has been thru a tragedy that changes their life. I started crying last night with a few tears running down my cheek, I tried to stop them, because I was not in the right place to start being an emotional basket-case, but I couldn't stop them. They were filling up my eyes and forcing their way out faster then I could control them. My few tears turned into a hard cry that lasted for hours. I honestly haven't cried that hard in a long time. I actually haven't cried over you in quite a while. I have still felt angry towards you, and felt like you do not deserve my tears, but I guess that can only build up inside you for so long, until it comes bursting out. With tears and clinched fists, I didn't know what to do, so I just let it all out. Afterwards I felt much better, but now I feel like I did 20 months ago, missing my best friend, and wondering why you left me. I don't know which is worse feeling this way, or being mad at you, but not feeling as much pain.

After you passed away, I began to keep a journal, I only made it through about 10 pages, and then I stopped. I'm not sure why. I think because I hated re-living my last day with you, and your death in my head. But, now I wish I would have followed through with my writings, because soon, one day I will forget all the details, and wish I would have wrote them down. I am already becoming unaware of all the small things that happened that day, but the little bit of information I did write down, helped me remember. One of the things I wrote down, and I do remember saying this over and over on my way home that day was "Ki-Ki if you're not dead then I'm going to kill you myself for scaring me like this" Why would I say such a thing? Knowing I would NEVER kill my sister, or anyone, but there was already that anger from the minute I talked to my mom, until now. There has always been that anger trapped inside of me, and I don't know if it will ever go away. At times it might fade, and fall to the back of my mind, but I don't think it will ever disappear. No matter how many times I pray, I will always be upset with you for leaving me that day, and not sticking around to be my big sister, my best friend, my one and only friend.

I still love you more than ever and I'm sorry for being so angry towards you these past months.

These are words you probably do not want to hear, but sometimes it just feels better to let things out and try to move on to another day.